Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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