she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
