I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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