I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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