I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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