Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
