No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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