I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
