I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
