I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
