Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
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working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
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And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
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