I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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