feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
