Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
