Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
