I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
