i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
