My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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