Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
