A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
