How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
