I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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