I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
