we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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