You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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