I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
