wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
