We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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