I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
