Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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