my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I smell stomach acid.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
