Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
