He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
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