Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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