My sheets look like a crime scene.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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