Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
