Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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