i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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