Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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