I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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