i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
