I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
