My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
