There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
