My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
