May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
