i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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