Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Randomize
