fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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