So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
