I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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