I got chris browned last night
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He has the fingertips of a God
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
