mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
