just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
