Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Can I color on your dick again?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
