Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
