but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
