I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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