Non-Jews are for practice
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
