He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's blow job season.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
