I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
