haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
