i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
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my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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