soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We need a shit load of segways right now
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
