If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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