I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
