Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
